She came into my life a 6 pounds 12 ounce bundle of joy. I held her gently, counting her toes and fingers. I stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. She was so needy, so fragile and so beautiful. She demanded to be fed every 3 hours and complained when she had gas. She didn’t always smell pleasant, in fact at times, she was down right disgusting.But she captured my heart, not because of anything she offered me. She changed the way I did life. She insisted that I get up at 3:30, make a bottle for her and hold her tenderly while she consumed it. Then stay up for a few minutes longer while she burped loudly and unashamedly.She was totally dependent on me. Who would voluntarily put themselves in a situation where they would be exposed to such a demanding human being on a continuous basis.
I took delight in watching her grow. I was happy when she was hungry. It gave me relief when she messed her diaper and when she burped loudly. When her cry got stronger, I rewarded her for communicating her needs. Oh! How I wanted to protect her. I dreamed big dreams for her. I gave up sleep, finances and “me” time in order to be available for her when she needed tending to. Her crib took up the space in my bedroom. Her playpen took up the space in the living room. Her car seat took up the space in the car. And her bouncing chair took up space in the family room. My otherwise, orderly house turned upside down with baby bottles, bathtubs, clothing and blankets. it was obvious when you entered my house that there was a baby living there. She never apologized for disrupting our quiet selfish lives. Her every desire was my command. I prayed for her and claimed God’s promises for her.
Mothers do this regularly. For one month, I was her mama. Taking care of her every need. She never said thank you. She never praised me for being such a great caregiver. She never even hugged me. But she consumed my every minute and I loved her for it. She enveloped everything I strive not to be. I don’t like being needy. I don’t enjoy others taking care of me. I resist feeling weak and vulnerable. Jesus says come to me as a little child. Is this what He means? Come as a newborn baby.
I wonder how He could use me in that state. How could He love me when I depend on Him for my every need. Jesus calls the weak and the needy to come. He calls Himself the physician, the shepherd, the Life. God does not need me to be strong or have it all together before He can use me. He wants me to come to Him just as I am and He will walk with me and delight in my growth and give me strength to become more confident. He delights in my hunger and longs to prepare food for me and feed me until I am able to feed myself. He dreams big dreams for me and provides the resources My role is to walk with Him and embrace His big dreams for my life.