As her daughters slept and healed, she went out to meet with Jesus. She remembered His promising words. ““I will never fail you or abandon you.” She had not taken time to meet with Him even though she felt His presence. Now she needed to talk face to face with Him.
She sat on the dock and reflected on the day He had taken her for a boat ride in the storm. She lived through the storm even though she felt like she was losing her mind. She needed to look at Him now. She was losing the image of His eyes looking at her.
She waited. Her mind wondered off to her to-do list. Focus. She looked in the distance to see if He was coming. She waited. Her mind wondered off to the time she held her daughter for the first time. Her anxiety started to rise again. She had made so many mistakes. Accusing voices nattered to her heart. “Who do you think you are, trying to be a parent?” “Who do you think you are, talking face to face with Jesus? He only looks at purity and you are not pure.” Her head dropped to her chest. Her shoulders slumped over. Her fists clenched. Not this time.
She spoke boldly to the air in front of her. “I know I am nothing. I know I am not adequate. But God is all I need and I need to see His face right now because He accepts me for who I am and fills me with Himself.”
She stood up. She straightened her back with her shoulders back. And walked toward the figure moving toward her. She met Jesus under a tree and wrapped her arms around her. “Just hold me.” she whispered into his chest.
She felt His strength and embraced His control. They walked toward the water and sat on the dock dangling their feet in the water.
“Who were you talking to?” he asked.
She knew He saw who she was talking to. She took some time to think about her answer. “I don’t know its name but it finds me when I am not with you.”
“It has walked with you for a long time.”
“I used to enjoy its presence. It kept me from feeling lonely.”
“It also kept you from me.”
Happy New Year! I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on myself as a writer. I have always been a writer. It has been a safe place to discover myself. It is where I get to know myself. Because I have chosen to be a follower of Jesus, it has been a place of shelter for me to wrestle through my issues of trust in my relationship with an unseen presence in my life.
I have enjoyed the writing of many authors and have often been able to identify with their struggles and triumphs, but let face it, their story is not my story. I have kept my story hidden in my heart for many years. A few decades ago, God began to impress on me to share my story, but I refused to be that vulnerable.
Finally in 2013 I went to a women’s writing conference, SheSpeaks. There I gathered with hundreds of women who were ready to tell their stories. I still refused to tell the story God gave me, but I was willing to admit that I was called to write. It was shortly after, I started this blog. Originally my blog was just short God stories. I tried to copy the style of other authors I had read. But needless to say, that didn’t last long because although those stories were real, they were not the real message of my heart.
November 2014, I began to take more of risk and began to tell MY story. I learned so much about myself and my relationship with Jesus Christ. I wrote to find healing and purpose in the pain of life. I shared my story with a few people and had mixed reactions. Some found it helpful, others were bored and confused.
So I joined a community of writers through Compel Training. I was so inspired and encouraged through this community, but it eventually I began to compare myself to others and I lost who I was. I am not a devotional writer. I’m not an inspirational writer. I don’t have a message I am dying for you to know. I don’t have a gift with stringing words together like Ann Voskamp or Patsy Claremont. I love reading their material, but that is not who I am.
I am just one woman walking along the path we call life. Sometimes, I walk alone and sometimes I ask others to walk with me. If you are reading this, thank you for walking with me. As part of my blog I have a tab where you can follow my story. It is through this story that I open the window to my soul, you are welcome to have a peek.