What do you think?

I am messing around with a story that is bouncing around in my head. In my teaching on how to be a good writer, I am practicing how to show not tell. I want to be better at this skill as a writer and as a teacher of writers.

I need your help. I have read and reread this piece so many times and it sounds good in my head. Could you help me out?

I am trying to create a picture of a newborn a few hours after her birth. The message I want to portray is that she is innocent and vulnerable.

I welcome your feedback on where I am accomplishing my goal. Do you want to know about her painful history? What emotions does this passage evoke in you?

I appreciate your input.

 

She came into this world a 7 pound 4 ounce, 21 inch bundle of joy on July 25, 2015 at 12:46.

She loved being held, safe and warm as a gentle hand touched each toe and finger. Her little heart began to beat harder as she felt the light touch of lips on her forehead. Her body was stimulated as her head was tenderly stroked. She felt complete. Strong. 

She was ready to learn about life and experience its adventures.

Her first discovery was how to move her lips into different shapes. She practiced opening and closing her eyes allowing them to adjust to light and darkness. Her ears heard the music of laughter. She recognized the voices that had been there from the moment of her conception. 

The voices softly said her name. Bella Rose Duck. Bella meaning beautiful. Rose meaning sweet-smelling flower. Duck, a bird that symbolizes freedom. A duck can walk on the earth and swim in the sea as humans do but also has the ability to soar into the sky. She was a beautiful rose that had the ability and potential to soar. She was beautiful Ojibway princess.

She knew she was loved. She knew she was cherished. She knew she was destined for big dreams. 

In her innocence, she expected to always know the warmth of her mother’s arms and the sweet taste of her mother’s milk.

She had not experienced rejection or neglect. She had committed no crime. And she had no awareness of her rich and painful history.

 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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