When I was in my late 20s, I got tired of feeling empty and invisible. I prayed the first honest prayer of my life. I said “ God if you are real, you have 3 months to prove it to me. If you don’t come through for me, I am ending my life.”
After I decided that I didn’t want to live anymore, I had nothing to lose and I began to take risks in my relationship with God and others. I was more honest with God and with my friends. I didn’t always like what I saw or felt. I realized I was not always a very nice person. In fact, I was a very angry person.
God used His people to touch me. The Holy Spirit healed me and I discovered God is real and bigger than any issue I am facing. He is real in everyday events and He wants authentic, honest relationships with His children.
The first thing God asked of me when He started to heal me was to become a single mother of two chosen daughters, seventeen and eighteen years old. I’m also a full-time elementary school teacher for 31 years so taking on the parenting role was more than I ever dreamed possible.
I’ve been afraid of everything and often still have huge trust issues. I asked Jesus to live in my heart when I was seven years old because I was afraid of going to hell. I lived my life in partnership with fear until I was 27 years old. My fear drove me to read my Bible, attend church regularly and say all the “right” Christian things, but I did not have a fulfilling relationship with my Creator.
I have often expressed myself through writing and have many journals filled with entries about not being good enough, and not having what it takes to live a godly life. I have always been heading to a destination, but after many years of beating myself for not having arrived, I have accepted the fact that life is a journey. It is as we walk with each other on the journey that relationships evolve.Sometimes it’s very painful. Sometimes it’s confusing. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s a lot of fun.But if I keep moving forward, it’s always life giving.
When I thought of life as a destination , I was afraid of failing and afraid of disappointing God and the important people in my life.
Now that I see life as a journey, I’m okay with failing once in a while and I learn a lot from my mistakes. I don’t cherish the pain or confusion but I accept the unpleasant as part of the tour. Evey time I climb another mountain or trudge through the mud, I am stronger for the next part of the journey. I don’t know where I am heading, but I feel alive. God walks with me every step of the way and He reminds me often that He is in control.
I’ve divided my blog into two parts:
One part is an ongoing allegory. In this story I write using figurative language to express deep feelings, protect my subjects and outline my conversations with Jesus.
The other part is a bi-weekly entry of a life lessons I have learned as I journey on the path to wholeness. I see God at work in every area of my life and He walks with me every step of the way.
If you want to travel along with me on this journey, I would love it if you subscribe to my blog and introduce yourself. Let’s walk this journey together.